this scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin [entries|friends|calendar] miss sueann journal profile friends tillyness [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[July 29, 2007 | 01:52 AM] yes mr 16, this is for you. thank you for everything that you gave me and took away. you said you liked being single. you said you didn't wanna pursue it. and i swallowed all of it in humility of a friend who cared. who had deep feelings for you but because of my feelings and because i fucking CONSIDERED YOURS, i gave you what you wanted. and so today in front of my fucking face you hope that this new girl isn't underage. that spells everything man. that i'm nothing anymore. how dare you tell me that you still have feelings for me. that's fucking bullshit. why couldn't you just let me run free? why did you have to sugarcoat it this time? i held on because i thought you were different from other malay guys... you were someone i looked for all this while. yet you destroyed that image that i had of you. you made me realise that you're just the same as the other one who made me cry. you're the one i should have stayed away from since the beginning. and now it hurts to walk away though i'm forced to. because you made me have hope again, and now you caused that hope to come crashing down in my face. fuck your single hood ok? keep that fucking crap to yourself because if you really liked being single, no shit way would you have accepted her number and fucking hope that she was fucking underage. just don't come near me anymore... you're just one of them MATS... quit denying it and when i said it straight in your face just now, even if it sounded like a joke, i meant it straight from my heart. i don't wanna be near any mats, let alone fucking date them, or be FUCKED by them.

[July 28, 2007 | 07:54 AM] i still wish i could be that one. but you still push me away. you still fail to see. one true love, you will never be less than a true love to me. that's why we can never be friends. wish you could have seen.

[July 26, 2007 | 04:05 PM] it is so true: the most charming men around are gay. oh well, at least i get to work with them most of the time. your noose is still around my neck. no matter how much i cut, you still refuse to let me walk away. even if you didn't want me anymore. we'll live our lives in secret. you keep your secrets, i'll keep mine. and all we get are each other's masks. it's alright, because you love your mask. i quite love mine too. i enjoy this period of not having anyone to please, but myself. viva la singlehood!

[July 24, 2007 | 09:03 PM] these 2 months i've lied. the truth is. no matter how far i run, or try to change my lifestyle, your face, your voice, and every thing about you blasts right into me the moment i'm alone. there're no more tears to cry about this, and i feel hopeless. of the two, you are the one who has never changed. like always, you find solace in someone else for that very moment, and when things fail, i am the one you seek. it isn't comforting when you say, "at least i come back to you in the end." because the pattern never changes. in you, i never found complete security. and everyone tells me that it should have been over long ago, that it's about time, that you're not worth it. but like in a trance, i find myself bringing up your name, over and over. i can't keep walking away at this same slow pace. i need to run from this. my physical and mental being is moving forward each day, but i know very well that this heart has been stagnant at the same spot that it was, 22 months or so ago. in another 2 months, we could have been 2.

[July 23, 2007 | 01:29 AM] PLAYER. we are just matchbox soldiers waiting in line for our turn, but one by one we are broken by our limbs, torsos or heads. we are the little aliens stuck in the coin machine, hoping that the metal claw comes to pick one of us up. we have no hearts inside us, for we are made from wood and plastic. like the child who put that fifty cent piece to pick us up would promise to love us forever. 5 days after being owned, we are chucked to the corner, to be consumed by dust. no words need be said, because we are just toys. they are the rulers of earth, we are just the entertainers. they have every right to throw us aside, we have no right to protest. they are the important ones. they are the ones with the emotions. we possess none. we never cry, we never die inside. we remain the same. unlike them, the ones whose hearts we'd better do our best to protect. [EDIT] fucking hell. i won't even start on how much i have done, because it doesn't even matter. what matters is you, you, you. it's always for someone else. but do they ever think about whether i like it or not? do they ever think about whether i cried or got hurt? do they ever think about my plans? no, no, no. the answer is no. they never think about anything but themselves. this was one last try. but you'd never get it. you talk more than you listen. me, the one who doesn't understand what you say? did you even try to ABSORB what i said? all you could say was "sorry that you feel that way". you don't even think whether you should be sorry about what you have done. we should have never started. i was more than happy keeping my feelings for you inside and never letting you know. for you i tried to grow up and give in, and be the one who sacrifices everything so that you could fucking have your way. i must have spoiled you because now it's your way again. you are like the rest. you spoil the market. you make me believe that i am just not enough. don't ever blame me for being selfish ever again. because i'm so sick of giving it up for everyone's sake. and the best part about you, is that instead of making it all right for me, you thank me for letting you have the upper hand ONCE FUCKING MORE. at the expense of me. i'm so sick of being the good person. i'm so sick of being the nice, understanding one. the only thing i should ever be humble for, make sacrifices for, is my damn job. fuck, you are my last. i give up wanting to try ever again. and don't go telling me that love makes the world go round.

[July 22, 2007 | 11:29 PM] i never wanted to. well we've had one chance to take back, but over and over again, i'll clean your wounds tonight. so we can rewind it all till i come inside, i'll tear in two and never lie to you, cuz you wouldn't take me home. i never wanted to hear, i never wanted to. we are the only ones we are running from. i want to break it off. we should stop cuz there's nothing going on. i never wanted to hear all the things you told me.

[July 22, 2007 | 01:55 AM] You. like things arent that easy for either of us. perhaps you could be a little clearer on your intentions. just so you know, and i think you don't notice it, you're screwing up my brain. i really hope (and i trust) that you're not doing it on purpose. the least that i could do for you is to be a friend. it seriously does not matter that you aren't over her. it takes time. but i could also appreciate that you decide where you want to be. and decide what my position is in your life. and vice versa. you may not be aware, that i would graciously step down and give you all the time you need to get over her. you are also probably unaware that you still make my heart beat twice as fast whenever i get your message or when i see you. it may be very easy for you to "keep me in suspense" but you have no clue that it's pulling me back and forth because now you have confused me with your split personality. one time leaving to be in your thoughts and memories, another time coming towards me with such force. you have asked me to be more decisive. i now ask of you to be that way too. i just ask of a simple request from you, and that is to let me know where we both stand now. whether i am doing the right thing by waiting patiently and checking on you from time to time, or if it's actually just wishful thinking on my part and i'm pushing the limits too far. either way, i still want to be your friend that's always there to offer a shoulder to cry on, and listen to your laments and laugh with you. don't forget that we were once too close for comfort, and that even if you could easily forget it, i can't, because i cherished those moments. and also, i know you think that i can't decipher your words and actions. in fact, i have simply read you like a book. i just want to hear the truth from you. much love. said in here, because i have waited for you but you never showed up.

[July 21, 2007 | 03:58 PM] beautiful tearjerker. so you want to hold me up and bring me down? yes you want to hold me up and bring me down. won't wait too long. you can move on or stay. oblivious to efforts and still wonder why i fade away. with arms wide open and you crawl further into your shell. decide. remember that prints have already been left, do you take responsibility for what you have done? i'm going to meet my dearest wanton at siglap today. standby has kept me awake most of the day because everytime i slept, i would wake up every now and then to be sure that i didn't miss any calls. then everytime i drift into slumber, i have dreams of how i'm activated for flight and i wake up wondering if they really called me. damn.

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