this scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin

campakjer @ 2007-07-29T01:52:00

2007-07-28T20:25:56Z

yes mr 16, this is for you.

thank you for everything that you gave me and took away.

you said you liked being single. you said you didn't wanna pursue it. and i swallowed all of it in humility of a friend who cared. who had deep feelings for you but because of my feelings and because i fucking CONSIDERED YOURS, i gave you what you wanted.

and so today in front of my fucking face you hope that this new girl isn't underage. that spells everything man. that i'm nothing anymore.

how dare you tell me that you still have feelings for me. that's fucking bullshit.

why couldn't you just let me run free? why did you have to sugarcoat it this time? i held on because i thought you were different from other malay guys... you were someone i looked for all this while.

yet you destroyed that image that i had of you. you made me realise that you're just the same as the other one who made me cry. you're the one i should have stayed away from since the beginning.

and now it hurts to walk away though i'm forced to. because you made me have hope again, and now you caused that hope to come crashing down in my face.

fuck your single hood ok? keep that fucking crap to yourself because if you really liked being single, no shit way would you have accepted her number and fucking hope that she was fucking underage.

just don't come near me anymore... you're just one of them MATS... quit denying it and when i said it straight in your face just now, even if it sounded like a joke, i meant it straight from my heart. i don't wanna be near any mats, let alone fucking date them, or be FUCKED by them.

campakjer @ 2007-07-28T07:54:00

2007-07-27T23:58:09Z

i still wish i could be that one. but you still push me away. you still fail to see.

one true love, you will never be less than a true love to me. that's why we can never be friends.

wish you could have seen.

campakjer @ 2007-07-26T16:05:00

2007-07-26T09:13:51Z

it is so true: the most charming men around are gay. oh well, at least i get to work with them most of the time.

your noose is still around my neck. no matter how much i cut, you still refuse to let me walk away. even if you didn't want me anymore.

we'll live our lives in secret. you keep your secrets, i'll keep mine. and all we get are each other's masks. it's alright, because you love your mask. i quite love mine too.

i enjoy this period of not having anyone to please, but myself.
viva la singlehood!

campakjer @ 2007-07-24T21:03:00

2007-07-24T13:15:39Z

these 2 months i've lied.

the truth is. no matter how far i run, or try to change my lifestyle, your face, your voice, and every thing about you blasts right into me the moment i'm alone. there're no more tears to cry about this, and i feel hopeless.

of the two, you are the one who has never changed. like always, you find solace in someone else for that very moment, and when things fail, i am the one you seek. it isn't comforting when you say, "at least i come back to you in the end." because the pattern never changes. in you, i never found complete security.

and everyone tells me that it should have been over long ago, that it's about time, that you're not worth it.
but like in a trance, i find myself bringing up your name, over and over.

i can't keep walking away at this same slow pace. i need to run from this.

my physical and mental being is moving forward each day, but i know very well that this heart has been stagnant at the same spot that it was, 22 months or so ago.

in another 2 months, we could have been 2.

campakjer @ 2007-07-23T01:29:00

2007-07-22T17:39:24Z

PLAYER.

we are just matchbox soldiers waiting in line for our turn, but one by one we are broken by our limbs, torsos or heads. we are the little aliens stuck in the coin machine, hoping that the metal claw comes to pick one of us up.

we have no hearts inside us, for we are made from wood and plastic.

like the child who put that fifty cent piece to pick us up would promise to love us forever. 5 days after being owned, we are chucked to the corner, to be consumed by dust.
no words need be said, because we are just toys.

they are the rulers of earth, we are just the entertainers. they have every right to throw us aside, we have no right to protest.
they are the important ones. they are the ones with the emotions.
we possess none.

we never cry, we never die inside.
we remain the same.
unlike them, the ones whose hearts we'd better do our best to protect.

[EDIT]

fucking hell. i won't even start on how much i have done, because it doesn't even matter. what matters is you, you, you.
it's always for someone else. but do they ever think about whether i like it or not? do they ever think about whether i cried or got hurt? do they ever think about my plans? no, no, no. the answer is no. they never think about anything but themselves.
this was one last try. but you'd never get it. you talk more than you listen. me, the one who doesn't understand what you say? did you even try to ABSORB what i said? all you could say was "sorry that you feel that way". you don't even think whether you should be sorry about what you have done.

we should have never started. i was more than happy keeping my feelings for you inside and never letting you know. for you i tried to grow up and give in, and be the one who sacrifices everything so that you could fucking have your way. i must have spoiled you because now it's your way again.

you are like the rest. you spoil the market. you make me believe that i am just not enough.

don't ever blame me for being selfish ever again. because i'm so sick of giving it up for everyone's sake. and the best part about you, is that instead of making it all right for me, you thank me for letting you have the upper hand ONCE FUCKING MORE. at the expense of me.

i'm so sick of being the good person. i'm so sick of being the nice, understanding one. the only thing i should ever be humble for, make sacrifices for, is my damn job.

fuck, you are my last. i give up wanting to try ever again.
and don't go telling me that love makes the world go round.

campakjer @ 2007-07-22T23:29:00

2007-07-22T15:34:07Z

i never wanted to.

well we've had one chance to take back, but over and over again, i'll clean your wounds tonight. so we can rewind it all till i come inside, i'll tear in two and never lie to you, cuz you wouldn't take me home.

i never wanted to hear, i never wanted to. we are the only ones we are running from.

i want to break it off. we should stop cuz there's nothing going on. i never wanted to hear all the things you told me.

campakjer @ 2007-07-22T01:55:00

2007-07-21T18:35:39Z

You.

like things arent that easy for either of us. perhaps you could be a little clearer on your intentions. just so you know, and i think you don't notice it, you're screwing up my brain. i really hope (and i trust) that you're not doing it on purpose.
the least that i could do for you is to be a friend. it seriously does not matter that you aren't over her. it takes time. but i could also appreciate that you decide where you want to be. and decide what my position is in your life. and vice versa.
you may not be aware, that i would graciously step down and give you all the time you need to get over her. you are also probably unaware that you still make my heart beat twice as fast whenever i get your message or when i see you. it may be very easy for you to "keep me in suspense" but you have no clue that it's pulling me back and forth because now you have confused me with your split personality. one time leaving to be in your thoughts and memories, another time coming towards me with such force.
you have asked me to be more decisive. i now ask of you to be that way too.
i just ask of a simple request from you, and that is to let me know where we both stand now. whether i am doing the right thing by waiting patiently and checking on you from time to time, or if it's actually just wishful thinking on my part and i'm pushing the limits too far.
either way, i still want to be your friend that's always there to offer a shoulder to cry on, and listen to your laments and laugh with you.
don't forget that we were once too close for comfort, and that even if you could easily forget it, i can't, because i cherished those moments.
and also, i know you think that i can't decipher your words and actions. in fact, i have simply read you like a book. i just want to hear the truth from you.

much love.
said in here, because i have waited for you but you never showed up.

campakjer @ 2007-07-21T15:58:00

2007-07-21T08:22:23Z

beautiful tearjerker.

so you want to hold me up and bring me down?
yes you want to hold me up and bring me down.

won't wait too long. you can move on or stay.
oblivious to efforts and still wonder why i fade away.
with arms wide open and you crawl further into your shell.
decide.
remember that prints have already been left, do you take responsibility for what you have done?

i'm going to meet my dearest wanton at siglap today. standby has kept me awake most of the day because everytime i slept, i would wake up every now and then to be sure that i didn't miss any calls. then everytime i drift into slumber, i have dreams of how i'm activated for flight and i wake up wondering if they really called me. damn.

campakjer @ 2007-07-21T02:50:00

2007-07-20T19:25:58Z

so why is your pride making you run and hide?

you have gone but everything about you still stays in me. you stay the same and it breaks my heart. where was the you who promised that everything would be different this time? i know very well that it was just you talking when you were lost without having someone around. that love for me.... it could never be real.

we could never be real. the years that we had were just due to insecurities. but i know very well that i did love you.

i hallucinate you in every one i meet after you. it's so hard to escape. to be me again. he couldn't possibly love the real me.

i promised shark i'd dedicate one paragraph to him and so here it is. shark is a good friend who is full of nonsense. he entertains me when i'm talking cock. he should get married soon because he's above 20. that's what i believe for all over-20s. and errrr he likes to clean his friends' dirty laundry. hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahah.

thank god for friends. met up with odilia today, and had a nice chat online with kiran and gerlynn and rosz. i called nani up to vent about how everyone neglects me on my day off.

it's damn true. friends complain about me being busy, and how much they miss me, but when its finally a day off, they disappear to do "more important things" or meet "more important people". well friends, you can go ahead and miss me as much as you want and i'll never believe you again till i see some action.

24hours standby today and the next day i'm off to macau and clark again! i love my job. keeps me on my feet at all times. (:

campakjer @ 2007-07-20T00:54:00

2007-07-19T17:37:32Z

flight is a full-time option and i love it. there's nothing else as important to focus on than being up there, up there.

training has ended and now i'm part of them and finally independent.

to be loved, is no longer an option. perhaps i have given up on waiting for you to come back. because you come back only when you sense me fading. and if i stand right before you with open arms, you disappear into the crowd. again.
4 days. and i am far too old for your childish games. if you want me, come here and stay.

when the plane takes off my mind travels to where you are. and you are terribly unworthy.

campakjer @ 2007-07-18T16:34:00

2007-07-18T09:10:59Z

Maybe it's better if we break.

You're sick and tired of being the good guy.

Just like your broken records (you're broken)
A comfort for you tonight.

This situation isn't getting any better
I see the look in your eyes
You want to see a pretty face the mirrors will lie
There isn't anything wrong with giving up
and for what it's worth
I still hate you.

And distance makes my heart go colder enough for this to end.

thank goodness for FFAF.

campakjer @ 2007-07-17T02:25:00

2007-07-16T18:28:04Z

you bring me up. then you bring me down. then when i wanna go, you bring me up again. so i stay. and then you bring me down. again.

like i said. it's just better that i keep flying every day. there's no fucking need for a day off. maybe i should've joined emirates and moved to dubai. it'd make everything easier for all of us.

campakjer @ 2007-07-14T01:19:00

2007-07-13T18:59:50Z

something i deny every day, only one person knows it so far. i could never bring myself to tell anyone more.
that this annoying thing inside me is giving you what you don't deserve: a lot of thought. it misses you.
i refuse to have you, and i don't know why. but i just know that you still never fail to disappoint me.

campakjer @ 2007-07-13T01:16:00

2007-07-12T17:28:10Z

prayer is powerful. prayer is divine. prayer is calmness. prayer is a wiping away of tears. prayer is a start to all questions answered. prayer is one step closer to God.

i need to start praying again.

listening is powerful. listening is divine. listening is calmness. listening is a wiping away of tears. listening is a start to all questions answered. listening is one step closer to the one you care about.

hell, i need to listen more too.

campakjer @ 2007-07-12T00:21:00

2007-07-11T16:56:05Z

exhaustion is the perfect word to describe the situation i am in at the moment.
my first flight (10 freaking hours of it) is on sunday.

thank goodness for the opportunity for flight.
flight is a good thing to do right now. what with all that's happening around me.

i was talking to Shark about the "horrors" of my 3 year contract and it dawned on me that this commitment bond (nightmare?) actually would do me very good. in a very simple equation..

3 years of:
getting zapped + being tired from daily flights + always having to look good + always having to smile and be pleasant though you feel like fuck inside + potentially being bitched about by CIC wannabes who can't come close to it + fighting insecurities + lack of social life except with fellow colleagues + working with people you don't like but still having to act like everything is okay with them + promoting sales products + managing with less than 2k a month + having to maintain a good figure so that the uniform doesn't go out of shape + endless mindfuck

=

a breeze with the rest of your life, basically.

i bet with Shark that even marriage is easier. not that i'm damn confident about it, but think about it, if i have to deal with all that (don't get me wrong, there ARE positive aspects of this job as well), i think even knowing that a husband cheated or is getting a second wife would just make me feel "oh! thank god i've experienced worse."

in short, if i can overcome these 3 years, the topic of BOYS (which seems like such a hurdle to many of us now) is nothing. if i want to change my attitude, i have to pull through the 3 years.

i say i long for flight because i admit that i can't stand where i am at now. not to be a whiner or anything, but it's just not working right. you know how they say we need to "chill out" when shit happens too much to us? flight is just my way of "chilling out". my "chill out" remedy a year back was by working my butt off at indochine. it helped and i know the same formula will help me today.

they say i must persevere. but why persevere if some how your efforts won't reap results? "results" is very subjective and i don't really mean anything selfish, but just something that would fall into place and make everything simpler for my already-overworked mind and heart. and yours. and the ears of everyone else around us.
if i stay, i might push you away. yet if i back off, i might make you feel jaded that i wasn't "all that" in the end. i'm trying to be in both places at one time but it drags me back and forth and it's not like i need any more stress on myself at this point of time.

and and and you know how they say shit happens all at one go to people? hell yes!
no one ever practices what they preach. am i the only one who seems to do that? you tempt me with all your sugar-coated words, and yet when i look at you and the things you do and the job you hold, it just all comes back to me that nothing ever changes. the bad will always remain bad.

maybe i shouldn't be the nice person too. people around me are making decisions to be more heartless, cruel, cold-hearted, "no more mr nice guy", etc. i'm not the type that's a follower, but maybe i should join the "no more mr nice club".

on a final note, now that i think of it, i don't really whine. more like i analyze too much.

campakjer @ 2007-07-10T22:03:00

2007-07-10T14:05:59Z

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

Before you

campakjer @ 2007-07-09T02:31:00

2007-07-08T18:33:17Z

throw it to me, i'll swallow it all up with a smile. take a picture and remember me like this forever, for this is what you'll get. evasiveness is our game. you could never tell me it was already over.

campakjer @ 2007-07-09T00:39:00

2007-07-08T16:38:44Z

have been thinking that my Great Depression has been most likely due to the lack of social life. (i don't call training a social life, by the way.)

i miss these:

1. Odilia. my dosage of laughter, randomness, boytalk, and who thinks they're way too cool for us. my best friend who sides me though sometimes i'm a bitch, and lovingly scolds me when i'm too much of a bitch. the only one who could really drag me to yet another r&b club. the lucky soul who has found the One. the inevitable source of my life. a need.

2. Nani and Dee. budding camwhores. lepakcore kids. sembarang to the max but still the greatest fashionistas in my eyes. pro- mat malaysias. teachers of the most kickass music. gig buddies. smoking buddies. loads of happiness for me.

3. Wanton. the only male friend worth really sticking around for. funny, anytime, anywhere. founder of the "NAK LAGI!!??" phrase and many other lame jokes. fellow menthol smoker who is male, YES! bass teacher though we never get down to it.

4. the bowligans from bedok. full of crap but still awesome. action rrrrrempits. downright mat lepak but without the gatal mindset. the reason why i miss bedok like hell.

5. SMa ex-classmates such as Rosz, Gerlynn, Brandon. i still am going back to school. need i say more?

6. ex-colleagues from Indochine Forbidden City. damnit, why are you guys still working there?!!!!! i even miss my SOAB supervisor.

7. 4E2. the only express class that never gave a damn. lameness motherfuckas. i long for the next class gathering but i doubt there will ever be one... except perhaps a few conversations online and when some of us bump into each other.

i can't stress how important these people are in my life. i honestly couldn't do without them. and hell, i miss them like crazy. if any of you read this, meet up soon ok? it's a must. at least, before i start flying.

the end of the honeymoon period is when it dawns on you that perfection doesn't exist, and "highs" don't last forever, and you are given a choice whether to continue working it out. i want to, do you? we'll leave that open for now.

nevertheless, i am happy where i am headed.

campakjer @ 2007-07-08T00:11:00

2007-07-07T16:27:26Z

i have seen so many loving faces. they turn back and leave with looks of regret.

i am everything and nothing. my name is actually Trite.
this cramp in my wrist puts me back to sleep till it all comes around again.
you could have just said the truth, instead i was killed by your incessant reminders that i am, in fact, less than she could be.
your reminders come in the form of artful avoidance that leaves me picking up at your sharded hints.

if it were possible that only one had the ability to love me in this world, that only one still failed.
i am impossible to love, for i am always stealing your missing puzzle piece.
i am easy to forget, for i am but a silent sufferer who fears your defeat.

we are just a song left unsung, the voice lost itself before we could even reach our chorus.
the chords were an imperfect cadence.
we had too many minor notes to our tune.

don't need to cry about it, i might just die without it.
every time i wind up back at your door.

just close your eyes you'll never see me crashing down.

campakjer @ 2007-07-06T23:12:00

2007-07-06T15:13:49Z

am i a terrible person? i certainly think i am. what should i do??? everything's slipping away and i can't seem to hold on to my grip...

campakjer @ 2007-07-06T01:33:00

2007-07-05T17:44:56Z

why am i always the only one online that's too free? oh the perks of being an air stewardess: once the job's done, you don't have to worry about anything else or bring any work home. no follow ups. and what am i talking about, i'm only training now.

i wonder, would i make a good air stewardess?

am now on yet another fantastic novel: A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown. no prizes for guessing that it's a screwed up junkie autobiography, the only type i'd read. it makes me gladder that i live Cup's life. when i was delirious during my fever, i felt victimised by her foster mother. today she told me how much she loves her new job even amidst getting high on drugs. i like the fact that i get high on the junk she takes, without even consuming any of it myself. i'm a junkie by fiction and imagination.

i'll let every one know once she finds the one. then i'll secretly hope for the day i find the one, too.

4 hours left to sleep. i'm starting to miss the memory of age-old comfort. it goes with spending too much time with my previous life. please don't drag me back there. why did i have to even tread that part? and now, i can't seem to stop it.

campakjer @ 2007-07-05T02:59:00

2007-07-04T19:21:54Z

its hard to trust them meds. for years meds have been in my life. not that i couldn't live without them. they were just supplements that i got used to. some became happy pills. the rest were daily vitamins that i could rely on, nothing more.

happy pills mostly die off after a period of time, sadly. i've never found one which could stay strong on me, and maybe i've given up looking.

but lately it dawned on me that i should quit vitamins too. because when you get dependent on vits, somehow things get complicated after a while. it'd be fine if i missed a few doses. but somehow when i try to get back into the habit of taking them regularly again, side effects come in real fast and i end up getting more problems than if i had stopped taking them altogether. the thing with a vitamin is that, sometimes if i take one too regularly, it has a risk of becoming a happy pill. and the deal with happy pills are that one shouldn't have too many of them. so if i try to cut down on that intake, the problems start setting in.

so much investment on them meds, but so disappointing results.

i guess for now i'm down with one vitamin and one happy pill. the vitamin has always been a good supplement and the only vitamin which never caused side effects even after i reduced my dosage of it. i would love to continue having it for the rest of my life.

as for the happy pill... i took it around 2 months back as a vitamin, and it has since upgraded because i really like taking it. it's definitely my favourite med at the moment. i'd love for it to stay strong on me, but if by fate it dies off, most to most, i could live without happy pills.

and no, i'm not looking to try out other meds anymore. not in a long while, definitely. i'm really sick of them.

campakjer @ 2007-07-04T01:31:00

2007-07-03T18:07:58Z

how i love to talk to people who contradict themselves. they seriously can't keep constant their own facts. a little bit of mindfuck and their real intentions are apparent. what a beautiful way to eradicate insecurities.

your guts make me sick to the bones. only a pussy would try to act like he didn't care in person, but crave so much for your attention through sweet messages. if you want respect, earn it. if you want me to be nice, then start being nice. what you give is what you'll receive, no compromises. i'm not preaching, i'm just giving you straight facts. i may be younger than you, and you might think that i'm not "grown up" yet, but it takes one to know one. you want to judge others? shape yourself up first. you want me to quit being sarcastic to you? maybe you should quit your two-faced behaviour. i can be two-faced as well, in fact hypocrisy is my specialty.

i don't like boys who change their attitude towards girls who don't "accept" them. just because your ex can't get enough of you, it don't mean that it goes the same way for me. sorry dude, maybe you're just not that appealing. you can wish that you're so goddamn smooth, but to me, "smooth" is one thing i really hate in a guy. because smooth = being so bloody full of yourself. it's a major turn off.

it's perfectly cool with me if you wanna show a different face in front of the rest. god knows what your point is. but if you wanna be that way, i can show you damn straight that i'm great at doing that as well. i don't give two shits if you're acting cool, but i know that i'm not. being cool is the easiest thing to do to faggots like you.

you want my patronizing? i can do that. but don't count on my sincerity. i'll be the fucking two-faced bitch that you really hate, and you can't blame me all you want, but remember that it doesn't bother me, and that the people most trusted are those who keep quiet and don't talk so much shit in the open. it won't be you.

campakjer @ 2007-07-03T14:20:00

2007-07-03T06:39:07Z

it is not true that once i have guy friend A, i don't need guy friend B. and so on. and just because i am dating guy C, it does not mean i do not need my guy friends anymore. that's just a childish mindset. whoever says that i don't need him just because i have so-and-so in my life, should seriously go and die. really. i'll give you a blade now, do me a favour and slice your wrists. thank you. good bye.

one lesson that i learnt not long ago is that in order to stay comfortable where you are, you sometimes have to patronize assholes. not that it's a bad thing- it's like a patience endurance training.

another thing i learnt recently was the art of mindfucking.

yesterday i was so feverish i turned delirious in the train and i thought that everyone hated me and were out to kill me.

i was reading A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown.

campakjer @ 2007-07-02T03:53:00

2007-07-01T19:55:28Z

life is beautiful when you see all things clearly. i'm finally growing up. i will never forget, and i hope you don't too.